Past, Present, Future!

Until recently... I don't think I truly knew how being in love with someone felt. I say this, because I am IN LOVE with someone currently, and it is a different kind of feeling. It's hard to explain. Being "in love" and "loving" someone is a totally different thing. I'm "in love" with the Lord Jesus! I've loved only a few men in my life, 4 to be exact. I've only been "in love" with just one! (that's not including men in my life that are really good friends, I love them too, I'm talking relationships that lead to more. Specifically marriage, babies, and family...) 

#1 My high school boyfriend, we were "together" for 4 years. We are still friends. He's now married, with a child on the way.

#2 My first adult boyfriend. We dated 6 months. But I have known him since I was 2. So it was a friendship that turned into a relationship, it just turned out we were better friends than anything else. We are still friends, and he just recently got married. 

#3 The boy that I thought was the one. But I was proved wrong on so many occasions. We were together 5 years!! I, to this day don't even say hi when I see him, he broke my heart and shattered it into a million pieces, then jumped on all the millions of pieces that he had thrown down not caring enough to pick them up and give them back to me and say I'm sorry. He has yet to this day, still not apologized for what he did to me. I personally know he's not a good guy. I do wish him well though, and pray that someday he will find the Lord again. I forgave him and moved on, even if he hasn't! life is too short to dwell on such a negative, I've learned from my mistakes. And I try and live my life the way I feel like God wants me to. He was a mistake, but I don't regret those years, I learned a lot of what I don't want in a husband from him. That is a really sad statement, "I learned a lot of what I don't want in a husband from him." but it is a completely true one! 

#4 The man I seriously fell for, I don't even really know him. I've never had the chance to get to know him, and I don't believe I ever will. I know his spirit. I pray for him everyday, that the Lord would do what His will is in his life. I am trying to move on... Just get over him... But I have not been able to. I'm hoping by writing this, it might help me in some way. In the mean time, I'm just throwing what love I do have for him towards the Lord, because I can't tell him "I love you," I show the Lord that i love Him! The Lord is the only one that gets me through my day to day life right now. Without the Lord I would most likely be a very miserable person. Loving someone without the same love returned really hurts and is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in my life. I never knew something could hurt THIS much. To be honest, I have never been happier in my entire life. But I'm in MORE pain every day than I've ever been in my entire life. So to say the least... I dread seeing this person, and avoid him at all cost, but... Amen Lord! Your will be done! 

I am ready to be married. I am ready to have a husband. I NEED my life companion. I want to have a family someday.  

So for now... I have God. I love Him! He meets my every need. So even though I'm personally lonely in life right now. The Lord is by my side, He will never leave me! I pray everyday that the Lord brings me my perfect someone in His timing, His will, His one, His way! I have given my life fully to God, and will never let Him forget that! Lord keep me in the index of Your eyes!